**** The Dinosaur Sketch                                                   ****
**** from "Monty Python's Flying Circus" and "Monty Python's Previous Record" *
**** Transcribed 5/14/87 by                                                ****
**** Jonathan Partington ( JRP1%CAM.PHX%UK.AC.CAM.ENG-ICF@AC.UK )          ****
 
 
Television Host (Graham Chapman): Good evening.  Tonight - dinosaurs. I have
				  here sitting in the studio next to me an elk.
				  Aaagghhhh!  Oh, I'm sorry, Anne Elk, Mrs Anne
				  Elk.
Miss Elk (John Cleese, as a very prim lady): Miss.
Host: Miss Anne Elk, who is an expert on the...
Elk:  No, no, no, Anne Elk.
Host: What?
Elk:  Anne Elk, not Anne Expert.
Host: No, no, I was saying that you, Miss Elk, were an, A.N.  not A.N.N.E.,
      expert...
Elk:  Oh!
Host: ...on elks - I'm sorry, on dinosaurs.
Elk:  Yes, I certainly am, Chris, how very true, my word yes!
Host: Now, Miss Elk - Anne - you have a new theory about the brontosaurus.
Elk:  Could I just say, Chris, for one moment that I have a new theory about
the brontosaurus?
Host: Er... exactly.  What is it?
Elk:  Where?
Host: No, no, no.  What is your theory?
Elk:  Oh, what is my theory?
Host: Yes.
Elk:  Oh what is my theory, that it is.  Yes, well you may well ask, what is my
      theory.
Host: (slightly impatient) I am asking.
Elk:  And well you may.  Yes my word you may well ask what it is, this theory
      of mine.  Well, this theory that I have--that is to say, which is mine--
      ...is mine.
Host: (more impatient) I know it's yours.  What is it?
Elk:  Where?  Oh, what is my theory?
Host: Yes!
Elk:  Oh, my theory that I have follows the lines I am about to relate.
      (Coughs) Ahem.  Ahem.  Ahem.  Ahem.  Ahem.  Ahem.
Host: Oh God.
Elk:  Ahem.  Ahem.  Ahem.  Ahem.  Ahem.  Ahem.  Ahem.  Ahem.  Ahem.  Ahem.
      Ahem.  Ahem.  [Impatient noises from Host] The Theory, by A. Elk. That's
      A for Anne, it's not by a elk.
Host: Right....
Elk:  This theory which belongs to me is as follows.  Ahem.  Ahem.  This is how
      it goes.  Ahem.  The next thing that I am about to say is my theory.
      Ahem.  Ready?
(Host moans)
Elk:  The Theory by A. Elk brackets Miss brackets.  My theory is along the
      following lines.
Host: Oh God.
Elk:  All brontosauruses are thin at one end, much MUCH thicker in the middle,
      and then thin again at the far end.  That is the theory that I have and
      which is mine, and what it is too.
Host: That's it, is it?
Elk:  Right, Chris.
Host: Well, Anne, this theory of yours seems to have hit the nail on the head.
Elk:  And it's mine.
Host: (ironical) Thank you for coming along to the studio.
Elk:  My pleasure, Chris.
Host: Er...Britain's newest wasp farm...
Elk:  It's been a lot of fun.
Host: ...opened last week...
Elk:  Saying what my theory is.
Host: Yes, thank you.
Elk:  And whose it is.
Host: Yes.  ...opened last week...
Elk:  I have another theory.
Host: Not today, thank you.
Elk:  My theory number two, which is the second theory that I have.  Ahem!
      This theory...
Host: Oh look...shut up!
Elk:  ...is what I am about to say...
Host: Oh please shut up!
Elk:  ...which, with what I have said, are the two theories that are mine and
      belong to me.
Host: Look, if you don't shut up I shall shoot you.
Elk:  Ahem!  My brace of theories, which I possess the ownership of, which
      belongs to me...
 
(BANG!)
 
(Pause)
 
 Elk:  Ahem. The Theory the Second by Anne...
 
(MACHINE GUN FIRE)
 
 
****   End of DINOSAUR PYTHON 5/14/87                                      ****
 
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